Thing's You Shouldn't Do When You're High
by Kyasarin X
Summary: One long messed-up story revolving around Squall's hotness and how everyone can or cannot agree on it. Mostly for Final Fantasy 8, but some other Final Fantasy games are involved, plus a little Metal Gear Solid. Rated M, because it's just that messed up.


**A/N: **I'm going to be completely honest with you. This story is either going to come off heinously funny, or ludicrously stupid. I wrote it 5 years ago and found it and decided, "What the hell, might as well put it up." If you absolutely hate it, I don't blame you. I just wanted to see people's reactions to this horrifically, messed-up fanfic. I personally think it's decent, but I'm not sure. Be aware: There are a few spoilers and nonessential curse words every 4 seconds.

**CHAPTER ONE:**

Cloud: So what exactly is this story about?

Me: It's about Squall ... get over it. He's better then you ... big deal. Plus: he's hot.

Cloud: Wow ... that was _mean_. **Your mean!** I'm gonna' tell Tifa on you!

Me: Tifa's a slut ...

Cloud: *cries* Tifa ... TIFA!

Tifa:*walks in annoyed* What the hell do you want, little asswipe.

Cloud: She said Squall is hotter than me.

Tifa: 0_o ... who the hell is Squall.

Me: You know! The guy whose always like 'waah, waah, I'm Seifer's bitch!' That one!

Tifa: Oh my God! _That_ Squall! Fuck yeah, he's hotter then you Cloud.

Cloud: Your all mean!

Me: Jesus Christ. Go play in traffic.

Cloud: But ... wouldn't I get hurt?

Tifa: That's the whole point, sweetie-poo.

Me: Why the hell did you have a crush on the moron?

Tifa: Don't remember, it had something to do with hormones and a cowboy hat.

Me: Well, this is getting fucked up. Tifa liked a moron and can't rememeber why, Cloud is a friggen' loser who thinks two plus two equals fish, and I am about to kill myself because Cloud won't shut the fuck up, so lets just end day 1 here.

Yuffie: HIYA!!!!

Tifa, Me, and a screwed up Cloud: o.0

DAY 2

Tidus: So, I heard Cloud went crazy over some guy named Squall!?

Wakka: Like, ya! Yeah, I heard, ya! Who the hell is Squall anyway, ya!?

Me: Well, since video game characters are always 98 percent hotter than people in real life, we've come to the conclusion that Squall is the hottest guy alive.

Tidus: Not as hot as me ...

Yuna: *walks in* ... Psh! Fuck YOU! Squall Leonhart is damn hotter then you'll ever be.

Tidus: But - But - I - I ...

Me: Tidus, you look like Meg Ryan, so you have no say in ANYTHING.

Wakka: Yeah, ya! Tidus, shut your godamn mouth! Everyone knows I am the hottest, ya!

Me, Yuna, Tidus and Yuffie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ---

Me: What the hell you doing here, you crazy ass ninja?

Yuffie: SHH! *disappears*

Me: 0.o

Yuna: She's totally fucking Vincent.

Me: o.0

Yuna: You guys are fucking morons. Squall is hot. He always will be.

Tidus: You're a lot nicer in the game.

Yuna: FUCK YOU!!!!

Lulu: Now, now Yuna. Let me give you meaningless advice about why -

Yuna: Go to hell.

*Yuna and Lulu are in the back ground, screaming at each other and using magic on one another*

Me: Well, while the shitheads fight over crazy crap that no one cares about. Let's end day 2 here for now.

*Instantaneously, a car appears and runs over Yuna.*

Lulu: GOTHS RULE!!!!!

Me: She totally needs to to pop a Midol.

DAY 3

Snake: I am almost to my destination. Where are you?

Meryl: I'm right next to you dipshit.

Snake: Sorry I had my --

Me: What the fuck are you morons doing here? This is supposed to be Final Fantasy characters ... NOT GOD DAMN METAL GEAR CHARACTERS!!!!

Snake: But -

Me: SCRAM!!!!

Snake: Mommy ...*leaves*

Meryl: *Flips me off*

Me: *Sticks a knife down her esophagus* Bob! We got another one!

Bob: Yes ma'am.

Me: Well, while Bob takes out the 'garbage.' Let's countine with our story:

Snake: Oh yeah, I forgot my wallet and --- MERYL!!!!!!

Me: *sighs* GET. OUT. OF. MY. FACE. YOU. IDIOT.

Snake: Not without MERYL!!!

Me: Bob ...

Bob: *takes out.......A Raiden doll!*

Snake: *eyes widen in trepidation* RAIDEN! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *runs away in fear*

Me: Ahem ... you didn't see anything. Now let's end day 3 here.

Yuffie: BOO!!!

Me: 0_o

DAY 3

Squall: *walks in* Its quiet ..... too quiet.

Crazy fangirls: 0HMiiG0DZ! Squall! We want your coc -

Squall: Oh Hyne ... *ducks behind a chair*

Irvine: What the flying fuck?

Squall: Make them go away ... please.

Irvine: Hey sexy ladies *winks*

Fangirls: .......... *cricket* ...........

Irvine: Awww fuck y'all worthless hoes. *kills them all with one bullet*

Me: Will you stop screwing around, Irvine! Or so help me God, I will summon Selphie in here!

Irvine: OH JESUS, IT'S DISGUSTING!

Me: That's the same thing your momma said too, when you came out of her womb.

Squall: She's got a point.

Rinoa: What's going on --- *sees all the dead fan girls and then spots Squall* SQUALLY-POO!

Squall: Rinny!

Fangirls: *somehow they managed to come back to life* WE LOVE YOU SQUALLY POOOOOOO!!!!

Rinoa: STAY AWAY FROM MY FUCKING HOT BOYFREIND YOU HYNE FUCKING COW TRAMPS *blows them all away with her kick ass power*

*One fan girl manages to stay alive*

Fan girl: S-S-Squall!

Rinoa: I can kill you with my brain.

*single fangirl peers up at Rinoa and then dies.*

Me: Well, back to the story.

Squall: What story do you keep on talking about?

Yuffie: Hiiiii!

Me: Why the fuck do you KEEP POPPING UP EVERYWHERE!?

Yuffie: Hiiiii!

Me: *sighs* Irvine?

Irvine: My pleasure ... *shoots her*

Me: Thankies. Now to day 4! Whoo-hoo!

DAY 4

Selphie: Train, train, take us away, take us away, far away where ---

Me: Sing that goddamn song one more time, and I will personally kill you myself.

Selphie *nothing*

Quistis: Well, it is indeed impossible for you to do that, because you are an author writing this, and we are not real, so you are very -

Me: Stop trying to act smart and go flirt with some man-whore. Honestly, glasses, a whip, AND she's a teacher. Mother fucking Mary Sue.

Quistis: *gasps* I do not flirt with no one! But, I will now go into a long, boring speech about why you shouldn't -

Me: Oh for fuck's sake, make her stop!

Irvine: *shoots a tranquilizer in her, making her fall asleep*

Seifer: *smiles evily and tip toes in and takes Quistis without anyone noticing*

Zell: Yo dogs ... dogs ... diggy dogs ... diggy wiggy bow wow dogs ... diddgy wiggy -

Me: Shut the fuck up!!!!

Zell: Jeez someone's angry ... angry ... wangy ... angry wangy blangy sangy

Me: HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK I AM ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!!!!!!

Zell: Geez I'll stop ... stop ... bop bop. Bop to the top. Like you never can stop *back ground music comes on* Yo! Come on! Bop to the top, like ya never can stop, stop stop -

Me: *glares*

Selphie: *walks in* Ooooh! Yo! Doggy dog, the name is Selphie. Bop do bop bop top like a sock -

Me: *twitches*

Irvine: Yo diddy dog! The name is Irvine. I like the guns and the ladies and the ... what rhymes with Irvine?

Rinoa: THIS!!!! *blows them all away with her kick ass power*

Irvine says while flying away: That doesn't rhyme with Irvineeeeee!

Me: Your my hero, although I fucking hate your guts in Final Fantasy 8.

Rinoa: I don't blame you. I was like some hopped up teenager, high on Ambien.

Me: ... Righhht.

Rinoa: They were getting on my Hyne damn nerves ... eh, you seen Quistis?

Me: 0_o ... Oh no ... well let's just end day 4.

Yuffie: Hola amigos ... hola, hola, hola -

Me: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE? WE SHOT YOU IN YOUR SORRY ASS BRAIN! YOU SHOULD BE ROTTING IN HELL WHERE YOU BELONG!!!!!

Yuffie: Hola, hola, hola -

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

*BLACK OUT*

DAY 5

Celesma: Um hi ... My name is Celesma. I am the new host. It seems that Caitlin went a little crazy and is now going to be in a psychiatric ward for quite sometime now. So ... let's hope you will like me instead.

Squall: She's ... gone

Rin: ... *cries*

Selphie: I barely even knew her.

Irvine: May she rest in peace.

Zell: Her soul will be with us.

Seifer and Quistis: *nothing*

Celesma: Let's try that again ...

Seifer and Quistis: *nothing*

Celesma: Where are those two freaks?

Zell: Who the fuck cares. We care about Caitlin ... and now shes gone *cries*

Celesma: ... Aw! Come on! She's not dead! She'll be back in a few days ... or weeks ... maybe months ... or years ... or -- Oh! Fuck it! Who am I kidding? I don't have a damn clue when she'll be bac --

*gets pushed out of a window*

Me: Motherfuckerrrrrr's!

Everyone in the room: YAY!!!!

Me: Now ... where the hell is Seifer and Quistis?

Rinoa: Last I saw them, they were getting plane tickects to that Final Fantasy 10 world! I don't know ... the Thunder Plains or something? Of course, Quistis looked like she was knocked out ...

Me: Why the hell would they go to the Thunder Plains?

Irvine: He would always say how he liked the feeling of lightening when he got his groove on ...

Me: ... Irvine ... why the fuck would you know that?

Irvine: I LIKE PUSSY! *disappears*

Squall: Hey, I thought the whole point of these little stupid ass stories was suppsoed to be how I hot and great I am?

Fangirls: SQUALLY-POO!

Rinoa: How many fucking times have I told you to stay away from my hot man, you ASS COWS!!!!! NOW YOU HAVE 5 seconds to get your asses away from his!

Fangirls: AH!

Rinoa: Five ... ONE! *blows them all away with her powers*

Me: You skipped like 3 numbers ...

Rina: Do I look like I give a flying fuck? NO!

Me: Well, let's end day 5 here.

Yuffie: *walks in* Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour -

Me: *twiches* ... COME HERE YOU FATTY AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN. I HAVE KILLED YOU ... HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE! There is an INTRICATE REASON WHY I NEVER USED YOU IN FINAL FANTASY 7!

Yuffie: Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour -

Me: I'M GOING TO MURDER THAT BITCH!

DAY 6

Rinoa: *sighs* These little stories of yours are getting boring ...

Me: Shut the fuck up! You don't know what you're talking about.

Squall: Eh, she's got a point.

Sephiroth: *comes in crossdressing singing Britney Spear's Toxic* From the taste of the lips, I'm on a ride! You're TOXIC!

Squall, Rinoa, Me: From this 0.0 ... to this .... 0.X

Squall: That was beyond ... disturbing.

Me: No shit.

Selphie: *walks in* What's going on guys -- AHHHH! MY EYES THEY BURN ... WHAT IS THAT THING!!!

Me: That would be Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: No! That would be - *takes off disguise* IRVINE!!!!

Selphie: *dies*

Me: Irvine, what in fuck's sake are you doing pretending to be Sephiroth cross dressed, pretending to be Britney Spears?

Irvine: I don't know ... just ... felt right ... I guess.

Yuffie: *walks in* ... HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!

Me: I am gonna MURDER YOU, YOU LITTLE SLUT !

Yuffie: Hi Hi Hi HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI HI!

Squall: Well ... uh. While those two ... fight let's just go on with the story ... shall we. *hears yelling in the background* Now ... would be a good time to continue reading ...

DAY 7

Squall: Zzzz ... oh yeah, Rinoa. Right there -

ME: WAKE UP YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!

Squall: Wha - why the FUCK did you wake me up?

Me: Because ... I wanted to, now get your sorry ass up or else I won't continue your story.

Squall: Fine ... fine, Hyne, you're a bitch.

Me: FUCK YOU!!!!

Rinoa: Hey guys! What's up?

Me: Your damn boyfriend, thats what's up.

Rinoa: I know! Ain't he hot.

Me: You do realize that you're not even nearly ass attractive as he is.

Rinoa: It's about personality!

Me: But ... everyone hates you're personality.

Rinoa: Fuck ... you're right. Squall, why do you love me?

Squall: .... uh ... because ... Sqaure Enix ... um ... told me to?

ME: WRONG FUCKING ANSWER YOU IDIOT!

Rinoa: W-What did you say?!

Squall: YOUR TITS! BECAUSE OF YOUR TITS!

Rinoa: Better.

Fangirls: WE LOVE YOU!!!!

Rinoa: ... HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU CRAZY FANGIRLS STILL ALIVE?

Fangirl: I LOVE YOU SQUALLY-POO! *kisses Squall*

*The room goes quiet as everyone turns towards Rinoa.*

Rinoa: ... Oh fuck no ... She did not do what I think she did ... Oh, you just pissed me off little girl! *rips her apart with kick ass power*

Me: Remind me never to piss of you're girlfriend.

Squall: Fuck you. What about me? If I fuck up in bed at least once, do you know what she does -

Fangirls: AHHHHH! RUN AWAY FROM THE PSYCHOPATH!!!!

Rinoa: *evil laughter* MMMWWWHHHAAAAA! *burns all the fangirls to ash*

Me: *bonks her on the head with a stick* She went a little to far that time.

Squall: *pokes with stick* Poke, poke, poke ... This is like facebook poking ... except funner! Is she alive?

Me: Of course she's fucking alive, moron.

Irvine: *eyes widen* What the fuck happened.

Seifer: *walks in with a knocked out Quistis in hands and notices everyone* I HATE SQUALL! *drops Quistis and runs out of there*

Quistis: What happened ... *wakes up*

Me: I think Seifer tried to ...

Quistis: *eyes widen to see people dead* What has happened!? You do know killing is very, very, very, very, very, very, very -

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP WHORE!!!!

Yuffie:: Ello' governor!

Me: *takes out gun and shoots me in the head*

Rinoa: How does that work out? ^^^

DAY 8

Squall: Yay! Freaky shit is gonna happen today!

Me: How did you know?

Rinoa: *walks in and smacks Squall*

Squall: Nevermind ...

Me: *laughs*

Squall: So, what kinda freaky shit is gonna happen.

Me: Will you just shut the the fuck up and have some patience?

Cloud: *walks in* I am here for the story. YAY ME!

Tifa: ... HEYYY! LONG TIME NO SEE CAITLIN!

Me: Hey moron who cries cause he has no memory of his own life. Hey slut who wants to fuck Cloud for no reason.

Rinoa: Who are they?

Squall: *stares at Tifa's tits while drooling*

Rinoa: *glares at Tifa and gives her an evil look*

Me: Okay, is there any other surprise guests?

Rikku and Paine: Yo guys!

Me and everyone else in the room: 0.o

Rinoa: I think their lesbians.

Irvine: What?

Tifa: *walks over to Squall and flirts with him* Hey, good looking. You. Me. In the closet. 4:00. Bring the pudding.

Rinoa......WHORE!!!!!!! *grabs her and throws her out a window*

Squall: 0.o ... I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU RINOA! NOT HER! PLAESE DONT HURT MEEEEE!!!!!!

Rikku: Whoa ... it's getting a little crowded in here.

Paine: *whispers something emo-like* GOTHS RULE!

Lulu: RIGHT ON!

Rinoa: I lied ... I think 'those' two are lesbians.

Irvine: What?

Me: 0.o ... WILL ALL OF YOU GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

Yuffie: *walks in* I thoght you killed yourself with a gun? Oh, wait *looks down at script* That's not my line ... my line is ... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Me: Does anybody have any Clorox? Give it to me. Please.

Paine and Rikku and Cloud: o.0

Cloud: So ...

Rinoa: By the way, I think Zach is pig-shit when compared to you. :)

Cloud: ... Really?

Rinoa: No ...

Squall: Ha ... ha ... ha.

Me: Okay, okay, I am good. Now, we end chapter 1 here!

Aerith: HIYA!!!

Cloud: *sees Aerith*

Aerith: HIYA

Cloud: HIYA! HIYA! HIYA!

Aerith: HIYA! HIYA! HIYA!

Zell: HOT DOGS! *bites on it, only to find it super, fucking hot.*

ZELL: MY MOUTH!

Selphie: You need to blow on them.

Irvine: Blow on what, Selphie?

Me: *throws up*

END OF CHAPTER 1


End file.
